what i despise the most about my parents are their limits. i feel like they hold back and waste so much of my potential.
i hate being stuck at home all day. i have to, and i feel a need to keep moving. they don’t let me do things-as simple as going to a ballet class. their leash upon my being makes me feel trapped inside a box. hence the name, inside the box, as my tumblr.
ive been lectured to be patient and enjoy things, and not to rush to be 18. how is that possible, when if i am patient-i only stay at home.
i was on the phone with a friend of mine today, and i asked him if he wanted want to go to the mall today. he said, “no man, i’m tired. i’ve been going everyday non stop for like, two weeks.” what i would give to be able to go out everyday like that. the fatigue isn’t a problem. at least i’m not wasting away at home.
i feel like i have so much potential. and my ultimate pet peeve, is that potential is being wasted. i’m being wasted. just diminshing away at home while i could be doing something useful with my life other than browsing youtube all day.
thanks mom , you’re wasting my beloved youthful potential away.
and by the way, it’s only a 5 minute drive from the house. and it won’t cost you any money.
it’s really only one weekend, or one week if you want to stretch it, or just performance madness. from dress rehearsal to the real moments on stage-there it is.
the show was so much better than anyone expected. in its own way, it was just quite; quite graceful. it’s an odd way of phrasing it-but i say graceful because it was coherent. everything came, and stuck together one way or another. that in itself makes the weekend one movement. and to describe its movement, it must have been graceful. there was too much soul in it, not to be so.
the fact that i somehow have come to categorize it as a unified movement is odd too. the is because there are so many people leaving, and we’re all aware of it. i’m sure that it hasn’t all hit me yet. it will though, it will. teachers are leaving, and have gone. students friends are saying their goodbyes too. it was a last recital for a bunch of them. “parting is such sweet sorrow.” (william shakespeare)
but, i still look forward to the future. more training, more dancing, more pain, laughter, sorrow, and tears. i always call it training. i wonder why. in one way, it makes it seem more professional. but in essence, the word training has the feeling of never-ending for me. in a good way, however. it’s a continuous progress that has almost too many benefits. it also allows me to be unsatisfied with myself in a positive light. “it is the mark of an elite athlete.” (sellz)
i suppose that’s all i have to spill upon this digital page. oh, how technology and time seems to fly without any notice. it’s alright though. that’s what small, beautiful moments are for. dancing’s my way of finding those.
“Then come the lights shining on you from above. You are a performer. You forget all you learned, the process of technique, the fear, the pain, you even forget who you are. You become one with the music, the lights, indeed one with the dance.”—Shirley Maclaine (via lovingdancer)
i’ve always talked highly, and loved the saturday night show. but it’s just something about being there, performing there, and seeing others perform that just adds that level of oh my god.
it was quite flawless. the best routines, some kickass choreography, and brilliant teachers. and of course, the stunning, mind-blowing, talented dancers. we’re a bunch of pretty extraordinary people.
but, there also seemed to be a hint of solemness, somewhere in the night. because there were no little children dances, only the higher levels-we all seemed to be aware. aware that it would be the last recital for some of us, an acknowledgment that it would be the last time for all of us to be together like we are now.
and that, would be the only sad note; aside from the fact that steve is not in that stage manager’s chair. i looked in that direction again, where he used to be. for a second, as i glanced at his spot, i felt a sense of assurment and im quite sure that he’s there. and he’s been there, everywhere with us. or else we wouldn’t have made it this far. we miss you steve.
there is a point to be made about tonight. the dancers make the studio. not the drama, or teachers. but as long as we have good dancers, there is barely a sense of falter of the studio itself. the dancers are the strength, the moving force behind the studio. and why shouldn’t it be? it is a dance studio.
the moral of the story? passion. once again, i say and believe in one of my morals-lack of passion is fatal. without the heart of the dancers, there would be no performance. and that performance, that moment is what we strive for. and what pulls people into our community. it’s all quite logical. but the emotions that also drive our passions, also drive our dramas. another yin-yang, double edged sword, two extremes. (hello, 9/10core)
but, i’m satisfied. i wouldn’t have wanted the night to go any other way.
i was tired today, and considering my energy level-i’m quite proud.
i’d have to say the highlight of the night was pushing two girls out of my way for my quick change. these two, teen level one, one-dance first year girls were standing in front of my stuff, in my section of the dressing room table. i had just gotten off stage from the opening number, and i had a three dance change. by the time i had even made it back to the dressing room, my other dance was already at the head of the line and waiting.
for some reason, i got such a good laugh out of pushing these two girls out of my way, completely coming between them and pushing my way into my space. i changed quickly, and i could feel their eyes on me as i rushed out. bitches, please. they shouldn’t be in that dressing room. usually, the dressing rooms are separated by number of dances. but this year, it’s more about what level and age group you’re at. most of the girls have been at the studio for a good, at least, 4 years and are level 3’s and above. those two girls were at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
regardless, i got to the stage on time, and normally. no rush, no fuss. just strip and change. that’s just how things are.
i’m not quite proud of the first number i had, which is inspired off of degas’ paintings. especially now knowing the impressionist background behind it, it was not very fun to dance. the music was too funky for me too.
inception, by kelly wilkinson is the pride of my dances this year. lame, yes-but it’s the first dance that i’m really proud of. got switched into ballet V in the middle of the year, and i think i’m doing quite well. however, i’m constantly fighting a battle of insecurities; of whether i belong in that class or not. the 4 original girls are all in the same classes, go to the same school, and have basically trained together their whole lives. i feel so out of place, but i guess things have gotten easier.
i love the intensity of the dance. you don’t even have to look, you know you ahve the audience’s full attention. the music does that much, and the choreography is just flawless to the music. it’s a shame she’s left, but that her own business. regardless, i love the music and costume, adore the choreography and choreographer, and admire the girls i dance with.
i only had 2/3 numbers tonight. tomorrow’s the big show: saturday 7pm. everyone knows its the best. the best numbers, highest levels and top dancers are always in this show. good substance.
an additional plus was some of the pictures i took today. some, were just, flawless. again, i’m just proud of my work; especially in the wings. the lighting is so funky, and difficult to deal with alone-plus moving dancers, and short dances. angling is also difficult, and to balance it all out-i have a headache. to make matters worse my camera died on me): i had forgotten to charge it, assuming that it wouldn’t need recharging after a shorter wednesday dress rehearsal. won’t make that mistake again. but i did get some awesome shots. i think i’ll just do a cumulative uploading this week, or in the upcoming week. it’ll be fun stuff.
i keep wondering if i could make some money. we shall see.
there is a sweet sense of departure though. we all seem aware that this will be a last year. this show went by so too fast. we love you steve.
only wanted to say that the pictures i took this year turned out amazing. some of them are so beautiful and flawless, part of the reason why we’re all here in the first place. to dance.
i’m so pleased, and feeling (as i posted on facebook) fabulously fulfilled.
i’ll have to figure out how to get all the pictures to the right dancers and teachers later. some of the parents even offered to pay for the photos. i’m thinking of getting the best ones and having them printed, to slowly compile a dance photography album. maybe, i have some sort of future in this.
i need to post them somewhere, and i want them on tumblr as well. i’m just having copyright issues for some reason, because i want each photo to have the credits to the dancers, choreographer and show. i may have to learn to let that go. im thinking flickr. i’m not sure, but i have time. i might just post them privately. but then again, i feel obligated to post to facebook. maybe i’m too proud of my work.
anyways, the night came to an appreciatable end. i got that interview from that braziliam journalist. i finished it about an hour ago, but i’m waiting to send it. if what i say is going to be published, i’m going to let it sink and meditate in my mind for a while. i’m just so thrilled.