today, in leaps, jessie decided she wanted to ‘make us work.’
cool; no sweat, thats what we do as dancers-its all good right?
ehh, apparently not.
class was fast, as usual, but got continuously more vigorous throughout the hour and a half.
at one point we had a combination, that required high and grand leaps, that would cycle the movement and gather momentum-then stop. she required us to get so much air, send this much energy out, then, simply stop.
however, the song she had chosen was close to screamo. it was a very metal and loud cover of the ‘tainted love’ by the eurythmics. its such an old song, around the 60s i think? or maybe 80/90s? anyways, its an old song. the cover was extremely aggressive and progressive at the same time.
after the first couple times, marking and just getting the technique down, it felt okay. it was just very difficult because it required so much control-but could not appear under that ballet control. interesting and diverse manipulation of energy, but basic nevertheless.
after establishing techinique, jessie was still not satisfied. a new teacher yes, but its evident she has become very concerned about layering emotions and feeling over our dancing and movement. she stated the obvious, how the song was about being mad and ‘freakin pissed’ at something. then she said the key line. “show me the aggression. think of something you hate, that makes you mad.” and with that, she of course meant, to channel it into your dancing.
ive never been one for hateful dance. im all out for aggressive dancing, it feels great. but today, today was different. i havent written or blogged much recently because my heart feels very guarded. but today. something about that ability to hate and grit your teeth at something. its just that thing.
of course, ive always known dance is expression of all expressions. but before this combo, i had done as much as i could to suppress my hateful feelings. i dislike hate, it consumes too much energy and inhibits focus. but somehow, breathing hard, sweating and dancing-i was unable to unlock that vault. and i got mad. i was upset, i was pissed off. i was mad and upset at those people who i felt have ruined my life. that hate, surging through my veins pushed me higher and higher, then into the ground. the tension that i felt, was tension in my muscles that let me push through the combo. i still messed up, i think i got almost too mad. but it was an experience i feel needs to have been documented.
now this class was at 12, today. it is now around 11pm. and i can still feel that surge of energy and hate through my veins. im evidently still upset with these personal things…but they have come to points where i really cannot do much about them.
i have become very private when it comes to tumblr, i admit. i do not trust it as a worthy place to deposit all my feelings. it gets it out there, yes, but to whom? anyone who pleases. i find that feelings and moments are too precious to simply lay out on the floor. i have done so, and i know the benefit. but now, i am inhibited to it. let it be a place of expression. it shall be my place of certain documentaries.
La vie de bohème? Ce qui est si merveilleux? Ce que j’adore, je trouve perdu. je ne sais pas quoi faire plus. je ne sais pas moi-même plus longtemps.